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15.

Are You An Autonomous Astronaut?

Here follows a questionnaire to verify your level of 'autonomous astronauticity' according to AAA Bologna.

1. Do you think that the Apollo moon landings really happened?

  1. Yes. Neil Armstrong really made his famous moonwalk and pushed the Stars and Stripes into the lunar dust. Indeed, as the Disconauts have suggested, by 1969 there were probably very few places in the world left for the American flag to fly unmolested.
  2. No. It was just a hoax created by NASA and the US government in some TV studio in Nevada.
  3. Maybe, but I don't believe in conspiracy theories enough to choose the second answer.

2. Do you think that sex in space is more fun than on planet earth?

  1. No. I'm already scared of sex on planet earth, never mind sex in space.
  2. Yes. The absence of gravity will enable limitless passion, and should the participants require a point of stability, then specially designed bondage equipment will secure them in the position they enjoy the most. Also, AIDS will disappear since life in space will demand that everyone wears space suits equipped with condoms.
  3. Maybe, but are you sure there will be no 'space diseases'?

3. Are you satisfied with the level of scientific research regarding space exploration?

  1. Yes. Sitting in front of the telly watching shuttle launches is even better than the World Cup football final
  2. No. I believe that NASA and all the other government funded space agencies are completely incapable of organising successful space exploration programmes.
  3. I don't know, maybe yes, maybe no, ohohohoh those NASA space suits are so cool though.

4. What kind of music will we listen to in outer space

  1. Country and western, the soundtrack for NASA space exploration...before that it was the wild west that had to be won, native American Indians to exterminate, the Klondike gold to dig up...now they have to open up a McDonald's on the moon and organise golf tournaments on the lunar surface...
  2. dance music - just check out the oddball assortment of aliens playing Glenn Miller style j jazz in 'Star Wars', or the scene in 'Return of the Jedi' where there is a funky ensemble of aliens, or even Blade Runner with its jazz and soul soundtrack.
  3. Guitars and drums in space, rock "n" roll! (fuck, please, no).

5. It's five minutes to midnight, December 31st 1999. What are you going to do?

  1. Make a toast with your friends and family after playing bingo at your aunt's place.
    b). Get into your self-built spaceship and leave the planet behind.
  2. Fall asleep.

6. NASA astronauts work seven days a week in space and never have any spare time. What do you think about it?

  1. It's fair. They get paid by the hour.
  2. Unbelievable. They are having a unique experience and they have no time to reflect on it, to write or listen to music, they must only work.
  3. Well, these Nasanauts are very narrow-minded.

7. Let's supposed you are interested in the AAA. What do you do?

  1. After two days, you've already forgotten everything about this publication.
  2. Join a local AAA group or if there isn't one start one. Inform all the other AAA groups and begin networking with them.
  3. These Autonomous Astronauts must be mad, unreliable people.

8. The future will be in...?

  1. The European Community.
  2. Leaving the planet behind.
  3. I can only think as far as the end of next week, never mind anything beyond that.

9. When you were a child, what did you want to be?

  1. A policeman.
  2. An astronaut.
  3. An adult.

10. Gravity is...?

  1. Necessary.
  2. I prefer levity.
  3. Something that gives me a headache.

Results:

If your answers included mostly (a)'s, then you should take this pamphlet, put it on the highest shelf in your house and never look at it again.

If your answers included mostly (b)'s, then we strongly invite you to get in touch with the AAA immediately.

If you answered mostly (c)'s, then it is possible that you have a curiosity about space exploration but continue to take yourself too seriously. A sense of humour will help sort you out.

 

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